Today marks one week since Mark Elrod, token centrist liberal at camp and formerly popular blogger, embraced the Paris Hilton lifestyle and made his blog exclusive, to fanfare. Lucky for you, Elrod and I have been like brothers ever since I saved his ass from obscurity, and he asked me to fill his jilted adoring fans in on all the comings and goings in the VIP room.

Wednesday, July 9, it was like Elrod let us all have some of his cocaine. The comments came fast and furious. When GKB was getting up in his grill, Malibu Librarian was like, “Statistically, universities thrive when they hire PhDs as faculty. Pepperdine did not become respectable until it hired its first tenure-track faculty. Lipscomb is following in Pepperdine’s footsteps, as any wise institution would.” There were so many fly people there, I wouldn’t have been surprised if Alexander Campbell himself didn’t start commenting. Best of all, acting as if “private blog” means anything at all on the Internet, as if they didn’t know I would write them all down, they used their real names. Seriously! I’m not going to spill the beans yet, but let’s just say that a guy whose last name rhymes with “Pope” came in like he owned the place. Elrod’s first post, which was about the Searcy Police Log, is up to 123 comments and counting.

Elrod’s second secret post was a heartwarming tribute to his 83-year-old aunt in Delaware. It seems she was the one who sent him warm-from-the-oven cherry pies—cooked with cherries descended from the very cherry tree George Washington chopped down—while he was in the Navy. She cooked the cherries with their pits because she always said, “The pits are life’s reminders that you have to bite carefully.” It was so touching it made me cry. It whipped up 155 comments from the Elrodgeoisie, each and every one a moving tribute to a mom or an aunt or the old widow sister Thompson, who for thirty years made a quilt for all the new married couples in church in memory of her dear, departed Frank.

The excitement didn’t stop there! On Thursday, Elrod asserted that he, not the Pope, actually owns the place, not only his own posts but also every comment and every blog post anybody writes about him. Being respectful Christians, everyone agreed that Elrod’s imperial aggression against their intellectual property rights was a necessary security precaution. Later that day, he posted about his profound disappointment in Barack Obama for voting for FISA. He said it was as if Senator Obama, after unshackling him from the cold cement floor of the Bush Administration and giving him a few minutes to stretch, had suddenly wrapped the chains around his ankles again and walked away. Elrod’s faith in The Candidate appeared to be shaken, but the Pope said he’d pray, and before the night was over, several rounds of “Yes we can!” loosened up the blog for good!

The weekend started Friday with “Caption This Friday” and “Vox Bloguli,” which was followed up on Saturday with another sign of the impending apocalypse. Nothing much happened on Sunday.

Monday and Tuesday were the most intriguing of all! In successive posts he explained about his ongoing disagreements with his church and with the university. Elrod doesn’t think the church should build a new family life center because he says there are plans afoot to use it for after-school programs. While it would attract faith-based initiative funding from the government, he says it would also make the line between church and state too blurry for his comfort. This caused a minor kerfuffle because several people from his church are members of the VIP room, too, and they argued that the family life center would be a great place to preoccupy the youth group with chaste games of sport. Meanwhile, Elrod’s disagreement with the university had nothing to do with the recent controversy over his blog—other than maintaining that he was never pressured to make his blog exclusive, he has so far kept silent about that—but rather it is the rising cost of tuition. Even with faculty discounts, he said, tuition has hit him hard ever since his son started attending there last year. At the same time, Elrod realizes that rising tuition is a problem at all universities these days, and he is confident that the expense will be worth it and that Alan will make good use of the fine Christian education he is receiving. This led to praise from the Elrodgeoisie, especially from the professors, staff, and other camp counselors who are also part of the VIP room. Others were skeptical. One or two people worried about IRS form 70-549, someone suggested the university might, and JH of course scoffed, but no one wanted to change the university that much, and everyone said, “That’s just JH—he scoffs at everything!” The overwhelming consensus was summed up by one professor: “Who needs a good library for an education,” he said, “when we have a fine collection of new buildings in which to teach!” Finally, Elrod then posted a screed against the President’s “horrible record on the environment.”

Best of all, dear readers, I can already tell you that the second week of the Elrod’s secret blogging life will only be more exciting, complete with play-by-play of the student-faculty softball game at Arkansas Governor’s School, more “Caption This Friday” and yet another sign of the apocalypse! Find out about these and many more happenings in the VIP room next week—right here!

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