As most of you know, we have a small partnership with Google, which amounts to our using a lot of Google’s services, including Gmail, Analytics, and Google Sitemaps, and if we weren’t all attached, we’d be hooking up thanks to Google Romance—well, Chris and I would, anyway. It’s been a healthy relationship for us, in the way that a parasite grows strong when it sucks life from its host.

Little did we know we were being monitored for it. All the hits we were getting from google.com were not Google’s robot spider. Instead, they were from Google’s human consultant, also a robot spider, who e-mailed Wednesday to say that, given all the services we use, Google has determined we are the ideal candidate for Google Consultant, a service to help small, quality Web sites increase revenue and Web traffic. The service is free, she said, but she also suggested that, if we did not participate, she could strip us of our e-mail address. So I signed us up, and yesterday, I got our first report, an analysis of what Hermits Rock is, and a few suggestions for how we might make Hermits more inviting to readers. The report was a 23-page PDF whitepaper. What I reproduce for you here are the choice parts.

Google is excited to have Hermits Rock join the Google Consultant team. Google Consultant is a powerful tool to help small Web sites increase traffic and become the Next Big Thing. Thanks to Google Consultant, Boing Boing got its first bounce, and we helped Pundit become Instapundit and increase traffic….

We have conducted an extensive analysis of Hermits Rock, its content and code, and we believe that we have identified four key areas that will help increase site traffic and potential revenue.

1. Simplify your subject. We have seen at Hermits Rock enigmatic essays about everything from religion to employment to cable television to a DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince concert to interminable discussions about Christian education. Yawn! Who are you, Hermits Rock? We are Google. We know readers. They want easy reinforcement for what they already believe. The most popular Web sites, particularly blogs, have a perspective, a subject, and an a mode. Conservatives, for example, have become rich by being beleagured, by railing against the MSM, and by cultivating outrage and shock. Liberals, on the other hand, have lost a lot of money but drummed up plenty of readership by being appalled, by citing science (physical and social), and by developing a wry malaise about the world. The remaining 20% of your content may be miscellaneous musings, but 80% ought to be directed to two or three Issues.
2. Use more blockquote. Block Quotations drive the Blogosphere. They are the means by which the best bloggers build networks of influence. Block quotations also allow every blogger to create easy, content-rich sites without all the hassles implicit in writing, argumentation, or ideas. Moreover, if you are careful in who you cite, you will automagically build up a set of readers who will help you with #1.
3. Link to more bloggers. Every blogger runs a Technorati search once per week, and Bloggers are good to repay one kind link for another. The more links you make, the more links you get, especially when combined with #2 and #1.
4. Focus research says: get more gay, or drop Greg and Jeremy. Even though the gay lobby is the largest lobby group in Washington, one Gay Restorationist does not an “extensive readership” make. Too many Baaaaaby Animals, too many queer studies, too much theater, too much gossip leaves your straight readers confused. You make it difficult for them. Last week Greg renounced his masculinity. Last month, a former reader, when told of a real (pseudonymous) gay man, asked, “Who is he? Is he… Jeremy?” Chris, on the other hand, when he writes, writes about his virility, and as a result his posts command 50% more hits than the rest of the site combined. Ambiguity will only drive your readers away. Greg and Jeremy, either hang up your pants, or come out of the closet.

We believe if you follow these four simple steps, Hermits Rock has the potential to increase its readership a hundredfold. We will be monitoring your progress.

Sincerely,

4/2/2006 Update:

King Lear and Fool in the Storm, by William Dyce

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