Hermits Rock

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  • Tim Johnson, who murdered Bill Gwatney two weeks ago, was a friend of my uncle’s. My grandparents said he would visit C—, whose drug-addled brain works just well enough to make him very good at being an asshole, and the two of them would sit around drinking beer and conspiring.
  • My cousin and her pretty fiancé couldn’t make four hours without doing some blow in the toilet.
  • E—, another cousin who has long been reported to be having marital trouble, came with his family and a “friend” who is living with them while separated from his own wife. E—‘s wife spent a majority of her time with the friend, so much in fact that the first night we were there, E— (solidly drunk) shouted, “I’ve been trying to get my wife to spend some time with me!” “There is no way,” K said to me later, “that she is not fucking that guy.” I agreed.
  • Apparently, my grandmother believes she will not live out the year and is giving away special early birthday presents to my cousins, but only when they show up at her house. This probably means that I will not get a special early present.
  • If anyone is likely not to survive the year, however, it is my grandfather, whose health has been waning for several years now. It is sobering to see such a vigorous man be humbled by weak heart and lungs. I doubt that his time is yet, but it is closer than I would like it to be. This fall, because of it I will probably make a special trip to Hometown to see them.


I would never use the f-word in such a crass way. Ahem.

What an enlightening trip.

True, true. Let the record show that I interpret your usage of the f-word much more crassly than you intend it.

I really look forward to the day when one of the scumbags my own drug-addled asshole brother hangs out with does something shameful enough to make national news.

3: What will you do when that day comes?

Write a blog post.

U so baaddd!

from many personal experiences, i attest that greg’s family is nowhere near boring or conventional. by any measure.

E— is actually the son of the colonic-giver (it was his sister’s wedding we attended). FWIW, her skills were being put to good use. Another cousin has been having trouble with his kidneys? liver? gall stones?—I forget which; anyway, whatever it was, doctors were having trouble diagnosing it. She had convinced him that a good cleansing would fix him right up. Much to the delight of his girlfriend and brother, he even had a good emergency cleansing episode on the side of the road to NW Arkansas.

To be fair, though, your grandmother didn’t say that the murderer and your uncle would sit around conspiring. She said that the murderer used to come around for advice about women. Ha.

I had forgotten! Lolz. To think that anyone would ask him for advice about women!

On the other hand, late one night and several years ago, he extolled the pleasure of lap dances to me. I replied, “That’s nice,” and then he told me about how the Hot Springs mafia once tried to kill him.

There’s a mafia in Hot Springs, huh? Was/is Bill Clinton a member?

al capone used to hang out in hot springs. they had a secret tunnel from the arlington hotel for his escape route in case the cops showed up. or maybe it was to the arlington, i can’t remember.
but there are definitely lap dances to be had in hot springs, to get back to greg’s main point.

Wow. How is it that you’ve never taken me there, G?

What can I say? You never mentioned you wanted a lap dance…