Every conversation I’ve had with her since January, she’s made excuses for her new husband’s temper and ascribed his carping to stress. Over time, however, she’s become less and less likely to excuse him, especially when she talks about how he spends money or how he complains about her. Today, for example, she said, “He tells me I can’t cook.”
“Does he at least cook all the meals, then?” I asked.
“He only knows how to cook a few meals,” she replied. “He mostly eats pasta. That’s why he gets testy, I think, because his diet’s so poor. He doesn’t eat enough protein.” So we talked about how to get protein in a vegetarian diet, including ways to fix tofu and to use veggie crumbles. What she was really saying, of course, is that he is a controlling son of a bitch, and she’s worried that he won’t change. But she’s not yet certain. “I’m training him to be better,” she sighed.
Then she surprised me. Even though she’s still speaking in euphemisms, she came as close today to admitting her marriage a mistake as she has come to date.
“I thought,” she said, “I’d planned the rest of my life to be easy. We’ll see if I didn’t mess that up. I wonder sometimes if I’m too old for this.”
“But you decided you weren’t,” I replied.
“I guess We’ll see.”
one is always too old to try and train a spouse, unless he or she happen to be as meek as mice.
by Balthasar Gracián—Jul 16, 06:15 AM
I would have thought she had learned that with her last husband—or her first one. It’s one of those things that most people only need to learn once, you know?
by greg—Jul 16, 06:25 AM
ahh… no, obviously not. it is one of those things that many spend a lifetime hitting their heads against.
by Balthasar Gracián—Jul 16, 06:45 AM
How does the argument go, then? “I couldn’t train that one, but perhaps this one will be better?”
by greg—Jul 16, 07:01 AM
I think it has more to do with the “rushing in” part of the marriage. (Yeah, we can’t talk…) But she really didn’t have a chance to assess what kind of husband he’d make…She really didn’t know him at all. And he happens to be one of those people who don’t reveal their true selves until it’s too late.
by kl—Jul 16, 07:33 AM
i don’t know if it’s an argument… it’s an attraction to a certain type; and, it’s a belief in the power of love.
i’m sure that at some point that thought might cross the mind—but it’s more the lie that you tell yourself to continue in a not very healthy pattern of behavior that is, in part, hard to identify as unhealthy because it is part of who you are… that is, the attraction you feel to this certain type.
by Balthasar Gracián—Jul 16, 07:36 AM
yeah, the rushing into it part allows the lie of the power of love to conquer to seem possible
by Balthasar Gracián—Jul 16, 07:39 AM
You’re right. It’s not an argument, but rather a hope. I’m not sure that it’s a hope in the power of love so much as it is an quenchless desire for or to be loved. In that, I’ll echo my boss, who when I told her about all this several months ago said, “Good for her not to give up!” (My boss is awesome, by the way; it’s my great disappointment that she’s retiring.)
But she loves the imperious man, and for that, her type is just too much—barely tolerable on their best behavior. He ran out on the Independence Day party two days early—left the state on some lame excuse. I don’t think she was happy about it.
by greg—Jul 16, 07:52 AM